PANDAAAA(:

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my life in lasalle rocks! even though there are tons of homework waiting for me to do, but in here i made great friend's from my class. they were all really fantastic in their own way. some are quite weird in their thinking, and i have my own weird ways in my thinking path, that's made us all special in this school. No one is normal in this school, i love the interaction with everyone of them.

In the beginning of the school term, i have come to know this girl, she is someone who listens to rock, who was from a girl school, who i think is someone really special to me, makes me feel really comfortable, makes me feel really happy when i was with her... i got to know her more and we kinda clique, i used to sit with her in class, take her to lunch, do our work together in the weekends. i find her very easy to talk to, i could ask her anything. right, this sound like an essay rather than a blog.

i couldnt deny that i had feelings for her but...

i didn't expect her to have the same feelings for me, i dun think i will be good enough for her. i didnt expect her to make the move too. we love to be with each other, enjoyed each other company, we looked forward meeting each other. right now i just misses her. But i know what i did was wrong. maybe it's because of who i am now. Right now, i'm this lazy, irresponsible, under achieved, incapable, inadequate, selfish, burdensome, unromantic, mediocre, childish, unreliable person; i could think of more. i dont wish my partner to share these problems with me.

I know all this attributes of me is impossible to change anytime soon. i dont expect anyone could help me. i can only rely on God. Dont risk any chances on me.

In deed, i maybe talented, i maybe a good company, if possible, i can whip up a dish or two and have candle light dinner for just both of us. but i just cant let her put her hope on my sinking ship.

As her name means that anyone would helplessly fall in love with, i find that it is really true. even though how much i cant, i will keep on failing. but as for now, she can only be special to me. i don't want her to be waiting, but just being a true friend for me is all i ask.

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some people are an ass, but not a hypocrite.
some are selfish, but harmless
some people are.... does it matter?
will u still accept them?

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As if walking on thin ice, life is unpredictable. you were on top of the world, only to realize that you hit the ground harder, the flowers blooms and withered. Experience makes one qualifies for further openings, dealing situations with sound wisdom.

when the lights is off, who is the one person that you will think of? what if the person turned against you? will tears wash your pain away? still in the morning you grief. Cant sleep and doesn't wants to wake up.

leaving pass memories, photographs immortalized our smiley faces, places we've been before, times and dates imprinted on the bottom right. is this just a piece of paper? Do we look past those moments, and all we can see is the silly mistakes someone made? things we talk about is that all for nothing?

Your crutches broken, are you still be able to walk? treasure stolen, will u plight in sorrow? Get back up. stay strong my friend. sorrow last only for a while. bleeder, let the healing process, scars is a reminder of God's healing.

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dammit, i suck. my stomach is churning in anxiousness, i can't bear the fear of losing u. is not as bad as u are not physically with me, but u left me without hearing my explanation. A misunderstanding that's all i am carrying, i couldn't bear that for any longer, u know i can't, i will lose. and if u are ok, i juz want to talk to u. end this charade.

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welcome celebration
Is weird, to say I'm OK. I still feel the rush, an action movie put on pause. I guess this is adrenaline, something good is about to conceive, anticipation escaped my mind. still skeptical, still feeling suspicious. Is it normal to feel this way? Why is it so hard to accept that someone is truly regretted and wants to know the truth? Could this be real or some crude jokes? But what if it's real? Should i celebrate? Will i be too stiffed to bring forth a good cheer? Will my excitement died with the suspense? Opportunity of surprises has be softened by the pre-event. In anyway, I'll still blissfully embrace it.

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1st day in Brunei

After a long tiring day, traveling and work mostly, drain out every ounce of energy, but i was refreshed by a deserving shower. I dived in straight into the word of God, i was once again refreshed by it.
It was on Luke, that I once again found my first love. His love was a million times greater than the love of Edward Cullen to Bella Swan. His love for mankind is unbelievably and ridiculously great! His knowledge and wisdom was out of the world.
I've learn from the parable of the lost son. I've learn mostly from the brother's reaction towards the Father when the lost son came back. People who work based on rules and regulations will end up complaining and judging others, wish to be credited and affirmed, being legalistic rather than doing things willfully, ended up to become the biggest loser.

The true disciple of Jesus is those whose are living in chaos, spreading the Word, despite tons of problems in him, living a life hats hardly any man can tolerate. paying the greatest price anyone could pay, no one ever appreciates you, but u still willingly do it.

I've learn also that following God, we must be ready to commit to the cause or we are going to drown in problems and end up being ridicule, humiliated, epic fail.

a week after...

A week has gone by, still alive, don't really know what's the right word to use. I won't use the word "miss"because as soon as i go back, I'll be back to the boring live style and back to the boring camp i use to work in. But I would still prefer back in Sg rather than Brunei- time is too slow here.
Being a slow reader, I've finally completed the book of Luke, a rather in-depth book to read. It seems like Luke can tells a story with dramatic touch and it seems real. for it was written as if it was a presentation of an idea. I was much enthusiastic in reading the part where Jesus confronted Judas of his betrayal. This passage was too familiar but even so, I'm very much reminded of my own identity, I felt disgrace with myself. Anyone who pick up this journal could judge me as being a hypocrite, not living as what I've taught, or, even to others. I'm fully guilty for it, being a betrayer which i think i need face God shamefully daily.
As i continue to read the book of John, John the baptist said to the pharisees that he "declare it freely". i took it as an encouragement, there's nothing to hide. There's nothing to be embarrassed about. we are holding on to the Truth! The real one!
Now I'm much convicted of the word and I love it even more. This trip is not a vain.

John 3:21

²¹But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God."

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i felt his hints and messages all around what I've been doing. is a slow painful road that i deserves, being so stubborn all these years. but i think this time, decisions has made. God had allowed me to choose in the beginning, but he have reduced it into only one. in the midst of numerous things i do, things i love doing, suddenly, i felt empty and lonely- i did not enjoyed the day. i guess this is how the devil "leaving me dead". i guess i have no more choice left.
the damage already done, i felt worthless. things shows its causes and effect, this night really told me a lot of truth. it could be a wonderful day only when it starts with it
i start to know the line, i start to appreciate, i start to learn to shut up and talk. if i could just take things seriously, if i could be more serious about it, if i could follow everything He said, i wouldn't have to worry about what's right and wrong.

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NaMe: Samson Glenn DoB: 23 april 1987

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